I was watching the Mommy Channel one night. Watching “Frasier”. One of the benefits of being young and going out to nightclubs was that my wife and I did not watch much television. Now that we are no longer bar dogs and stray from our boundaries less often, we watch more TV, sometimes watching the shows we missed the first time around.
I didn’t realize I was watching the Mommy Channel until I noticed the commercials featured nothing I wanted to buy and many products I did not recognize.
A lot of food that children will eat and that is good for them.
A lot of pills, ointments, inhalers and tons of weaponry in the battle against the face. The face, I learned from watching the Mommy Channel, hates Mommy. Mommy has to battle the skin and, specifically, the face. The face is our enemy. We must beat the face, the wrinkling, sagging, blemished and old face.
Watching the Mommy Channel was very educational.
Thanks to a commercial for Extra-Strong Charmin, I learned that we should be concerned about leaving scraps of toilet paper behind.
I just wanted to see “Frasier”.
It was an animated commercial. A Mommy bear is checking out a baby bear’s rear end and picks from the bear’s hindquarters several small scraps of toilet tissue. The smooth-voiced announcer then came on to remind us that Charmin, being Extra Strong, does not disintegrate during use.
We’re finally making some real headway on that problem.
Still no cure for cancer.
Although it was several nights ago, I now find I cannot erase this image from my mind. It is burned there. The ad worked. I never considered toilet paper fragments before, but now I wonder if our current brand of toilet tissue is betraying five decades of wiping expertise. What is our current brand of toilet tissue?
Is it strong enough?
Do we need to change?
Has my wife been staring at my toilet paper flecked cheeks for twenty-five years of marriage, never once daring to embarrass me with a mention of this private, giggle-suppressing joke?
Damn you to Hell, Charmin bears!
Our current brand? Scott. (How could it not be? If your name is Dr. Pepper, you’re not going to drink Coke. Of course, being a doctor, you probably would know enough to stay away from soft drinks.)
When I got back from doing research, a new commercial was on. After a hectic morning of battling the face and harvesting toilet tissue residue from that cheap bargain brand, who wants to put on pants? Why not just leave your pajama bottoms on?
Introducing Pajama Jeans!
Pajama Jeans are pajamas that look like jeans. (They don’t really look like jeans, but you don’t care). No one cares. Have you been to a Wal-Mart lately? We don’t care what we look like. We’re too damned tired to put on pants. All we want is to be able to make it back to bed again.
Thank goodness, we can get right back into bed, easily, because we’re still wearing our pajamas. I’m sorry. Our Pajama Jeans.
Elastic Stretch pants, painted to resemble denim.
Couple the Pajama Jeans with a nice Snuggie (a blanket with sleeves), perhaps in contrasting red… you’re ready for shopping, or eating or sleeping or eating, or drinking and mowing the grass.
Somewhere, a research company once asked a paid audience to list their needs. “Tell us what you want, Mommy Channel viewers,” said the research company. And you know what people said?
I need help wiping myself after going to the bathroom.
I want to wear my pajamas all day.
I’m so stupid I have forgotten basic grooming habits.
I am so lazy I refuse to change my clothes.
However, I think I finally have enough weapons to beat my evil face.
And now, back to Frasier.