The Mayor of Pittsburgh, Luke Ravenstahl, recently revealed that he is damned sick and tired of politics and would like to get the hell out of Dodge (or, in this case, Pittsburgh). His refusal to join the other wig-wearers in the playing of reindeer games creates an opening for the most criticized position in Western Pennsylvania politics (with the possible exception of Miss Smiling Irish Eyes).

I support his decision one hundred percent, as long as the Mayor can get this parking ticket fixed for me right up until the time the revolving door smacks him in the buttocks. If he is unwilling to right my wrongs, I’m going to search the city charter until I come up with a by-law that states we can nominate anyone from any walk of life to immediately serve in the Mayor’s absence of interest.

I nominate Mr. Zippy, the head chimp at the Pittsburgh Zoo.

Sure, there would be a little additional cleaning of the office. But think about the press conferences! For perhaps the first time ever, average citizens would take an interest in local politics. What’s the new Mayor going to do about my property taxes? Who’s going to pay for the Steelers’ new bleachers? Why can’t we put more food on our families (thank you, George Bush)?

Mr. Zippy would have the answers. First, to solve the increasing property tax, the Mayor Chimp suggests tossing some of his own excrement at the wall. Stadium expansion problem? No problem! The new Mayor will simply lay all applications for bleacher work at the bottom of his cage. The first one to be hit with a spray of his own urine gets the bid! And that last question – the one about food and families? That’s a little deep for the new Mayor’s first day on the job, but chances are he’ll come up with a suitable answer after masturbating nine or ten times.

While news reporters look on.

We here at Cheap Channel Broadchasing also have a system to make sure everything gets backed up, even if one of us suddenly decides we no longer want to play reindeer games. Surprisingly, it has little to do with getting taxpayers to front lap dances. If you’re keeping score at home, I am sitting in this week for Randy Baumann, who is one vacation. And filling in for me?

Mr. Zippy.

Hey. He didn’t get the Mayor gig. Yet.

Chimp’s gotta eat.

Our apologies to the man who cleans the building. We realize that with a monkey performing in our studios, rather than the usual gang of idiots, there won’t be as much body fluid to clean up. Sorry to give you such a boring night.

And that man who gave me the sage advice, all those years ago? He was my boss, the guy who owned the radio station. I worked for him for four years and then the police showed up. He taught me many things about management, including that fact about always having your replacement in mind. The biggest thing he taught me was not learned face-to-face, but through his actions.

That lesson?

Never cook the books while addicted to cocaine.

Are you listening to me, Mr. Zippy? Pay heed, young chimp. Get your face out of the nose candy. You could be getting a call soon from the Mayor. The city of Pittsburgh needs fresh new thinkers like you. Now, stop that yanking and do something about this parking ticket, would you?