Pittsburgh is on a short list to host the 2024 Summer Olympics. Here are some possible hometown events:
Event Site: PNC Park
Each runner must race dressed as a stuffed entrée best representing his or her home country. For instance, Italian runners would be wear ravioli costumes, runners from Israel would look like potato knishes, China would send a contingent of egg roll-dressed sprinters, and, of course, the Poles would have a team dressed as the traditional pierogis, complete with glasses and handbags. It is a biathalon, so, mid way through the race, each competitor has to lay down on the infield and shoot at a target using a hot dog launcher.
Parking Chair Hurdles:
Event Site: Main Street, Canonsburg
Contestants line up three hours before the Canonsburg Fourth of July Parade and, at the sound of the starter’s gun, race from one end of town to the other, jumping over pre-arranged lawn chairs. Medalists will finish in one of the top three positions without having knocked over a chair, torn a ribbon or disrupted the Canon-Mac Marching Band’s version of “Wooly-Bully”
Milk, Bread and Toilet Paper Relay:
Event Site: Giant Eagle, Crafton-Ingram
Teams of three grandmothers from each nation must enter a completely packed Giant Eagle immediately after a forecast of “a possible 1-3 inches of snow”. One must gather each of three items as another stands in line, saving a place and the third, or “anchor” must decide between “Sudden Death”, “Striking Distance” or “Jack Reacher” from the Red Box Kiosk.
West Virginia Yard Trampoline:
Event Site: Pleasant Valley Mobile Home Court, Weirton
Teams are made up of couples and their offspring. Male contestants must purchase a backyard trampoline from Pool City, then partially assemble it, tiring and giving up before raising the protective barriers around the outsides. A team of thirteen children, all conceived by the female contestant (through one or more fathers, including their own) must jump on the trampoline at once. While the female contestant crushes and snorts stolen Oxycontin tablets, the male contestant siphons gasoline from the neighbor’s pickup. The last child with all his or her limbs attached wins.
Southside Alley Whiz:
Event Site: Just off Carson Street
Contestants must finish a six-pack of beer between 1:55 and 2 am. After leaving Jack’s, they must completely drain their bladders before ordering and eating monkey on a stick from the Asian stand in the abandoned lot near Diesel. The first three contestants to plead their way out of a ticket for public indecency by proving they know a current or former Steeler and promising the police officer an autographed Terrible Towel wins a medal.
Event Sites: Ft. Pitt and Squirrel Hill Tunnels
Contestants, competing while riding shotgun in a minivan packed with 8 and 9 year old girls soccer players from Moon, must sing along with “Bohemian Rhapsody” by Queen as it broadcast from DVE. Contestants must continue singing while passing through each tunnel, even as the sound of the song disappears due to bad reception or one of the girls changes the station to KISS just in time to hear some rap crap you’ve never heard of from some guy who has a name that makes no sense. Contestant who is closest to being exactly on time as Freddy Mercury’s voice is once again heard at the end of the tunnel will proudly be adorned with a medal for his/her country.
Cheerleader Car Wash:
Event Site: Parking Lot, Big Lots, McKnight Road
Middle Aged male contestants must pilot salt and mud strewn SUV’s into the playing surface, keeping eyes straight ahead as teams of nubile teenaged girls from North Hills High, wearing cutoffs, bikini tops and giggling smiles, soak one another with suds and water as the contestants pre-menopausal wives prattle on about living room paint choices as the North Hills Marching Indian Band plays the “Rock and Roll Part II” by Gary Glitter.
Operation Shut Down Freestyle:
Event Site: PNC Park
Contestant must convince Pirates management to pay contestant outrageous amounts of money to perform tasks they once were capable of performing but can no longer perform, or, for a higher score from the international judges, receive pay for failing to achieve promised or perceived skills predicted by scouts from years ago.
Orange Belt Marathon:
Event Site: Allegheny, Butler, Beaver, Armstrong and Washington Counties
Contestants attempt to follow the Orange Belt to its conclusion. There will be no winner. This event has never been completed.
Event Site: Kennywood
Contestants amassing the highest three scores at the Skee Ball machines located in Kennywood’s Midway will have their choice of a Gold Medal, A Silver Medal, A Bronze Medal, or any stuffed animal from the bottom two shelves. In addition, for every 100 tickets earned by each contestant, his or her home country will receive three free games of Whac