People Magazine has named Channing Tatum as the “Sexiest Man Alive” for 2012.
Channing beat such People “Sexiest Man” mainstays as George Clooney, Johnny Depp and Ryan Reynolds on the annual list. Tatum, a former exotic dancer, starred with former "Sexiest Man Alive" Matthew McConaughey in a movie about male strippers (“Magic Mike”) that I may have mistakenly watched nine or ten times in my hotel room while alone on a business trip.
As Pete Townsend once said, “There’s nothing wrong with doing a little research.”
McConaughey, Depp, Clooney and Reynolds all finished in the top ten.
A little known fact, not generally reported, is that the list goes on well beyond ten. The on line version of the magazine, in fact, lists every man alive who is above the age of 16 and still breathing, world wide, from most to least sexy. They publish this list in seven telephone book-sized volumes of their annual sexy man issue, available only on the web or mobile phone.
You’re dying to know, so I’ll tell you - I was ranked pretty high on the list, coming in as the 687,954,223rd Sexiest Man Alive for 2005.
That may seem to be pretty far down the list to the uninformed. However, keeping in mind that there are currently more than a jillion men who qualify for People’s sexy man list, worldwide, I feel pretty good today. I am 687,954,223rd, just behind somebody named Ishmail Kwaliby, a retired science teacher from Paraguay. I am one space ahead of Su Bok-Choi, a systems analyst from Cupertino, California, and nine places higher than Toby Keith.
Eat my dust, Bok-Choi.
Being ranked as the 687,954,223rd sexiest man on the planet is a much more impressive feat when consider that last year, I couldn’t even crack the top 800,000,000. In People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive, 2011 version, I came in at 802,090,745.
Sure, some guys died between then and now.
That helped my placement.
I’ll give you that.
But when you consider that lots of boys turned from the age of 15 to 16 and became list-eligible for the first time, I’m feeling pretty good about my sexiness. In twelve short months, I’ve leap-frogged over more than 130 million other guys, according to People.
Don’t think I haven’t pointed this fact out to the wife. For the past couple of years, I’ve felt as though there was no hope. Who can compete with George Clooney or Matt Damon? And Johnny Depp? Come on, he’s so pretty he could be on the Prom Court.
Matt McConaughey won this award a few years back and is, once again, in the top ten. Don’t think he’s too big to offer advice to those of us on down the list a ways.
Last year, while the two of us were naked, stoned and beating on our bongos (while in a hotel room, alone on a business trip), I asked Matt what up with the sexy. He gave me a pointer. “Scooter,” he said. “Why don’t ya’ll try what I done? Cut way back on the nose pickin’.”
“Yeah, man,” he argued. “They ain’t nothin’ sexy about nose pickin’. I cut way back a few years ago and moved right on into the top ten. After I won back in ’05 I promised myself I’d do everything I could to uphold the honor. Besides, I may be bald and don’t use my own teeth no more, but I sure do hate that Clooney fag.”
And he was right.
This year, I cut way back on nose picking, and just to add some insurance, I’ve tried to stop adjusting my package in public as well. Men? If you want to skyrocket your way up the People Magazine Sexiest Man Alive list, there’s nothing that can ticket your ride to the top like a little less booger mining and nut scratching.
Don’t just take it from Matthew McConaughey, former Sexiest Man Alive. Take it from me, the current 687,954,223rd sexiest. The personal body habits you’ve grown to know and love – the picking, the burping and farting, the scratching and spitting – they’re the very large stumbling blocks to your future as People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive.
After all, Channing Tatum didn’t pass gas for fourteen months.
Look what it did for him.