Because I watch the History Channel I have attained a green belt in Rednecks, Sharks and Nazis. Nearly every show on the original History Channel and its cleverly named second channel, H2, highlights one of those three groups. Sometimes, they combine them, like “Trailer Park Sharks” or “Gestapo Rednecks”.

The other night I watched a show about Nazi hunters, called, severely cleverly, “Nazi Hunters”. The episode told the story of how an organization of Nazi hunters has been forced to admit that a guy they’ve been hunting since 1945 died in 1992 in Egypt.

Aribert Heim, a Nazi surgeon known as Dr. Death, died. He used prisoners of war as laboratory experiments and committed heinous, disturbing crimes and remained unpunished until his death. He’d changed his name to Tarek Hussein, moved to Cairo and lived nervously until passing away at the age of 78. Cause of death? Rectal cancer.

Too bad the Nazi hunters didn’t get him.

As I was watching, it occurred to me that 1992 was a long time ago. Dr. Death was 78 in ’92. It’s now 20 years later. If he were alive, Dr. Death would be 98. That made me wonder: Whom are Nazi hunters hunting in 2012?

Whoever it is, they’re real old, real slow and chances are, real confused. Having spent a good deal of time in Retirement Homes, I can testify that there may be no better hiding place, whether you are a Nazi, a redneck, a shark, or a combination of each. Handy tip: once the group is gathered in the Music Room for the daily Sing-a-long, pay close attention to the man with the monocle who is crooning, “Oooo-klahoma vere de vind comes vistling down ze plaaaain!”

In a few years, the original Nazis will all be dead. The reunions are already looking thinner. (With modern socialist networking, who needs to travel?) By the start of the next decade, those who hunt Nazis for a living will join the rest of us, collecting unemployment.

And now, Dr. Death is dead.

I imagine his painful passing is bittersweet for his pursuers. They’re probably pleased that he suffered, but I’m sure the Nazi hunters would have loved to bring a very evil man to justice. Either way, one thing is certain: Nazi hunting, as a steady income, is on the wane.

There’s still time, Nazi hunters.

As I mentioned, I have been watching a lot of the History Channel. I've found (pushing myself to green belt status) while Nazis have been dying, TV rednecks have never been more popular. 

My advice? Nazi hunters - Learn to be rednecks!

If you feel it necessary, go all out. Lose teeth, gain toes, drink heavily and always be ready to pull dangerous creatures from their homes while on camera. It’s a pathway to fame and riches.

Face facts. Think about your futures. Nazis won’t be around much longer.

Honey Boo-Boo, on the other hand, could be with us for seventy more years.

Achtung, ya’ll.