Guys? The good news is even if you’re unlucky with the ladies you can still find a woman who will beg to become your lawfully wedded wife. The bad news is, first, you’ll have to commit some grisly, well-publicized murders.

If you visit your local Prison Surplus Store, you may find that Scott Peterson and his bride are registered. That makes it easier for everyone to buy them a wedding gift. If you can’t make it out to San Quentin Prison to give him yours in person, there’s always the chance that you could drop by the state mental hospital and drop the gift off with her.

Whatever her name is.

Scott Peterson, convicted of bludgeoning and drowning his wife Laci and the couple’s unborn son, arrived on Death Row about one hour before his first marriage proposal. We do not know the name of that first woman attempting to be the new Mrs. Scott Peterson, but she has since been joined by forty-seven others. This is great news for all men who would like to settle down and start a new, married life. The pool of possible bridal candidates is deep.

If you’ve got the conviction, they’ve got the need.

It is reported that on his first day of imprisonment, Peterson received a dozen phone calls from women wanting to meet him. Over the first few days in his new surroundings, he was mailed more than 100 letters, including at least five marriage proposals.

Let’s keep in mind that this man was convicted of killing his last wife while she was pregnant with their unborn son.

The proposals certainly generate trust in the prison system. “He’s never getting out? Ever? You can guarantee that? Okay. I’ll marry him.”

We don’t know anything about these women, other than the obvious – that they’re tired of going through life unnoticed and would like to move onto a more public stage, where their emotional and mental facilities can be judged by total strangers. How else can you explain hoards of lonely women who willingly give themselves to convicted death row inmates? According to some, there are women who connect with killers just as there are those who follow rock stars and live fantasies out through sports legends and movie actors. In short, there is an entire subculture in our happy world of women who are, for lack of a better term, Death Row Groupies.

Scott Peterson’s offers are nothing new.

Since being convicted of killing thirteen Californians, Richard Ramirez, the “Night Stalker”, has had women virtually throwing themselves at him. Sorry, ladies. This avowed Satanist, who will never physically leave the comfy confines of San Quentin, is already taken. He married a Death Row Groupie in 1996. She is a freelance magazine editor (which is a nice way of saying “an unemployed person”). They were wedded in prison in 1996, following an eleven-year courtship. She wrote him seventy-five letters before he agreed. The straw that broke bachelor Richard’s back? She confessed to being a virgin. As far as the Night Stalker is concerned, she shall remain so. There are no conjugal visits.

The big question is, of course, why?

Some are attracted by the power that forgiving gives them. Others, I’m sure, are sick, twisted sad dregs. But, let’s not forget who controls the estate, likenesses of and legal usage of the images of a famous dead person – their betrothed. As soon as the Night Stalker gets the needle, that next author to write about him, moviemaker to film his story or figurine artists to offer his portrait in glass must first talk to the wife. She’s going to want her cut. She didn’t stay a virgin this long for nothing.

Or, maybe it’s love.

Remember how your mother always told you there was someone, somewhere, out there for you? Sure, you were a geek. You weren’t what could be called charming, and your looks could not be called human, really. Mom stood behind you. She always said there was someone. As it turns out, she was probably correct.

If you’ve killed, murdered in cold blood, repeatedly, they’re ready to line up to be all yours. Keep that happy thought with you as I leave. I have to get going now. I’m putting together a little bachelor party for Scott Peterson. It’ll just be me and him and some of his closest friends. A52187 will be there. K93876 said he’d try to make it.

Unfortunately, D73258 can’t drop by.

His wife won’t let him.