The other night, for some reason, I watched the Golf Channel. They were broadcasting live from Fox Chapel. Inertia pinned me to the couch, so I couldn't record the proceedings. However, I vaguely remember it sounding something like this - including commercials:
(theme up)
Carl (a whispering stuck up buffoon):
Welcome back to second round coverage of the Constellation Senior Players Championship. Carl Barkson and Devon Worcestershire back at Fox Chapel where Pokey LeTard is sitting five back of the leader, Colin Oscopy, on four. Devon, you’re a dolt. What do you make of this?
Devon (a plucky former golf champion Brit):
Right you are, Carl. Number four here at Fox Chapel is terrific. Marvelous. Wonderful. Terrific. Trying. Hard. They’ve taken special care this week to have a team of Guatemalan illegals hand chew each blade of grass to a specified length of fourteen centimeters, assuring that the remainder was swallowed and not spit out onto the course as in previous years.
Carl:
We don’t understand centimeters. Speak English.
Devon:
We all remember Arnold Palmer thrashing his caddie in ’81 after the poor bugger mistakenly told Arnie that the grass on four was nineteen centimeters when it was actually eighteen. That led to Palmer’s bogeying four and the caddie’s lifetime of hospitalization and inclusion in the fake poppy industry.
Carl:
I’m sorry?
Devon:
Not as sorry as the brain damaged victim and his destitute family. Thank goodness we won’t have a repeat of that incident at this year’s Open, what with the Guatemalans and Palmer’s inability to wield a weapon with such power here in his elder years.
Carl:
Here comes LeTard for par.
Devon:
Par LeTard. Par.
Carl:
And he puts it in the hole.
Devon:
He knows how to strike his balls. And so the question remains, which of us will now go down to the local fired chicken stand and find the man who sells the good scag so that we might run a line during the commercials? Carl?
(theme up)
Carl:
Colin Oscopy has a three-shot lead on this, the second round of the Constellation Senior Players Championship. We’ll be back to live coverage from Fox Chapel.
(theme down)
Announcer:
For some reason you’re watching The Golf Channel.
(birds chirping)
Wilford:
Wilford Brimley here. I’ll be dead soon but that won’t stop me from making you this exclusive offer from Michigan Life. Have you thought about what’s going to happen to your loved ones after you’re gone? You missed a spot there, Billy!
Billy:
Okay, Great-Granpa!
Wilford:
He’s washing my car. Last week I couldn’t get the little piece of crap to look at me when I talked to him. This week, he’s washing my car! You know why? He thinks I bought a Michigan Life Eternal Policy. For pennies a day, you can make sure your loved ones are taken care of after you kick the bucket. Speaking of buckets – A little more elbow grease, son!
Billy:
Sure, Great-Granpa!
Wilford:
Yup. He and his ungrateful father and that whore he married all think I’ve left them a tidy sum, which you could do easily by just tossing pennies a day into your Michigan Life account. It’s tax free. Those idiots in Washington can’t get at your money. It’s for your family. Michigan Life makes sure of that. Rinse those windows!
Billy:
Okay, Great-Granpa.
Wilford:
He thinks I’m leaving him millions. He thinks his Great-Granpa was a movie star who made a lot of money. But what does he know? Nothing. He doesn’t know I spent it all on Thai hookers and high stakes poker. I don’t even have pennies a day to buy a Michigan Life Eternal Policy. I’m busted. But he don’t know that. Michigan Life. Take care of your family. Even if they are all fools.
Announcer:
Wilford Brimley is being compensated for this advertisement.
Wilford:
Shhh. Don’t say that so loud.
Sung:
Montego! Montego! Montego! Montego.
Gayle:
Oh my goodness. Rachel! Your feet!
Rachel:
I know. It’s this nail fungus. I’ve tried everything. Polish. That just covers it up. Sanding. That hurts. Biting.
Gayle:
Have you tried "Jesus! What Gross Cloven Hooves!"
Rachel:
"Jesus! What Gross Cloven Hooves?"
Gayle:
That’s right! It cleared up my gnarled, infected toes fast!
Announcer:
Weeks later.
Rachel:
Gayle! You’re wearing sandals!
Gayle:
Thanks, "Jesus! What Gross Cloven Hooves!" And thanks to you, Rachel. Now. Have you got anything for this?
Rachel:
Oh my god! What is that?
(theme up)
Carl:
Welcome back to second round coverage of the Constellation Senior Players Championship. Carl Barkson and Devon Worcestershire back at Fox Chapel, Pennsylvania, site of this year’s tourney and as we all remember, setting for one of the most exciting wins in golf history. Devon, you’re a moron.
Devon:
That’s right, Carl. 1973 will always be remembered as the year Keith Woodhouse came out of the closet and onto the greens. And it was terrific.
Carl:
I was speaking of course, of Ian Rooster’s sudden death playoff win over Emile “Pancho” Sansa.
Devon:
Well. There was that, too. But who knew Woodhouse was a butt pirate? I mean, I was around the man when he was semi-naked and might I say, while he struck a marvelous figure, wonderful, glorious, no one realized he was swinging his driver from the ladies tees.
Carl:
Rooster shot a near course record that year.
Devon:
When will you be exiting the closet, Carl?
(theme up)
Carl:
Colin Oscopy has a three-shot lead in this, the second day of play at the constellation. It’s a beautiful afternoon for golf and a beautiful afternoon day for –
Devon:
Is that perfume you’re wearing?
Carl:
We’ll be back to live coverage from Fox Chapel after these.
Devon:
Could someone bring us more refreshments, please? Tell the barkeep it’s for Devon Worcestershire!
(theme down)
Guy:
Do you know your credit score? How on Earth have you survived all this time not knowing your credit score? You need a credit score before you can buy that boat, plane, car, house or pygmy antelope! Fid your credit score today just by visiting us on the web. Ask Niles Garber of Finley, Ohio.
Niles:
I have no idea what this man is talking about. Please. Help me.
Guy:
It could be any number between one and infinity. What’s your credit score. Find out today.
Sung:
Montego! Montego! Montego! Montego.
Astronaut:
Hi. This is former Astronaut Colonel Rege Boris. When I was on the International Space Station for six months, I learned a thing or two about gas. That’s why I know it’s important to think about others.
Announcer:
Colonel Rege Boris, a war hero who killed 19 enemy combatants, a space shuttle astronaut who piloted his craft around the globe, suffers from lactose intolerance.
Astronaut:
Try Gas-b-gone. It’ll eliminate your odors. Take it from me. You’ll be A-OK for liftoff.
Announcer:
Gas-b-Gone. Strong enough for the astronauts. Strong enough for you.
(theme up)
Carl:
Welcome back to second round coverage of the Constellation Senior Players Championship. Carl Barkson and Devon Worcestershire back at Fox Chapel where Ikegame Wasushito is sitting eleven behind your leader, Colin Oscopy as he approaches number 14. Devon, you’re a diagnosed borderline personality and this is your only job, save for those few occasions when you charge for your autograph.
Devon:
Right you are, Carl. The legendary hole number fourteen features fairways as tight as a girl scout and greens that run like the French.
Carl:
Wasushito is one of several Japanese players on the tour. What do they bring to the game, Devon?
Devon:
A vast amount of money, Carl. The PGA needs as much Yen as it can get. How else do you think they can continue paying you the ridiculous amount of money they pay? What is it you bring to the game, Carl? Let’s ask that question. Have you ever even played golf, you wig-wearing pansy?
Carl:
Here he is approaching his second shot. Ikegame Wasushito. About 220 yards to the pin.
Devon:
Bonzai!
Carl:
And with grace and elegance, something my broadcast partner knows nothing about, he lofts a wonderful approach shot onto the green at fourteen. Devon? You’re a putz.
Devon:
Right you are, Carl. And as enthusiasts and the thousands of bored viewers who have lost their remote controls will tell you, the course here at Fox Chapel is magnificent. Wonderful. Spectacular. And what exactly was in this little bundle I was brought during the last commercial break. It’s marvelous. It’s really really good! Better than Pinehurst in ‘96. And that, my friend, was some really fine stuff.
Carl:
And what about the greens here at Fox Chapel?
Devon:
Terrifically, wonderfully, marvelously, irrepressibly, honestly, furiously, righteously, kinetically, wickedly, graciously, horrifically, iconically, pleasantly, beautifully green greens, Carl.
(theme up)
Carl:
We’re in the middle of 82 hours of live coverage of men hitting a ball with a stick. It’s the Constellation Senior Players Championship, from Fox Chapel, Pennsylvania. I’m Carl Barkson along with Devon Worcestershire –
Devon:
Someone’s let a dragon onto the course!
Carl:
Our coverage continues, after a short pause.
Devon:
Certainly not short enough!
(theme down)
Announcer:
For some reason you’re still watching The Golf Channel.
